Time Flies

Well it has been quite some time since my last blog-
The wedding was beautiful and in the end we got what we were both wanting..... We were married :-)
Not long after the wedding we conceived out first "child" ....well turned out it that children was more appropriate as I carried twins! I also lost my job when I was 4 months pregnant with the girls ( oddly enough it happened shortly after I revealed I was pregnant - suddenly my position was being restructured and I was welcome to re apply , but if  I wasn't chosen I was laid off...seriously)
Anyhow, so I became a SAHM and got to spend a good portion of my pregnancy with my son- it was one on one time that was much needed as we grew our little family of three to a family of five in a matter of 10 months lol,
 My son is 5 now and he loves his beautiful baby sisters ( who are 16 months old now)
Time has a way of bringing out the best and worst in people and my depression issues have been growing worse lately.
At 16 I was diagnosed Bi Polar, In my 20's they discovered PMDD which fit more accurately with the timing of my symptoms and they are not as severe when I am not on hormonal birth control- unfortunately I am on BC so the symptoms are progressively getting worse with each cycle- I even experience stages similar to Bi Polar- I have the climb up after my cycle ends to a point where "the highs" become so intense it all becomes muddled and I know the lows are soon to come - I even see it as it is happening, I just can't stop it. I am angry that it happens. I do not take meds nor do I have any intention to- they are poison that permanently alter brain chemistry and make you have to have them forever- not to mention I had a very bad experience with them as a teen and refuse to go through that ever again- but it looks like it is time to search for the natural mood enhancers- just wish i could take St. Johns Wort ( sadly it is not compatible with the pill).
I am overwhelmed with financial issues- do I go back to the 9-5 work force and yet again have someone else raise my children only to spend my whole check on that raising- do I stick with the work from home, running my own business though it is not very profitable at this point- Something has to give, it seems like every time we get something paid off or taken care of another larger cost arises. The financial issues alone are eating me up inside- my account has taken hits when bills go out but money hasn't made it in yet- I am at my wits end- medical bills seem to be the things that pop up most often- that and a house payment that though it is a fixed rate seems to increase every year or so.
I know my husband is doing all he can and so am I, but it is just not enough- and the last time I applied for help as we had no money for food after all bills were paid, we were told we made $200.00 to much per month to be eligible- well to hell with them then- thankfully family stepped up to help with diaper costs and groceries-
I did start a garden to help cut costs on some of our groceries- sadly a banana tree won't grow in this climate without a large green house haha