Time Flies

Well it has been quite some time since my last blog-
The wedding was beautiful and in the end we got what we were both wanting..... We were married :-)
Not long after the wedding we conceived out first "child" ....well turned out it that children was more appropriate as I carried twins! I also lost my job when I was 4 months pregnant with the girls ( oddly enough it happened shortly after I revealed I was pregnant - suddenly my position was being restructured and I was welcome to re apply , but if  I wasn't chosen I was laid off...seriously)
Anyhow, so I became a SAHM and got to spend a good portion of my pregnancy with my son- it was one on one time that was much needed as we grew our little family of three to a family of five in a matter of 10 months lol,
 My son is 5 now and he loves his beautiful baby sisters ( who are 16 months old now)
Time has a way of bringing out the best and worst in people and my depression issues have been growing worse lately.
At 16 I was diagnosed Bi Polar, In my 20's they discovered PMDD which fit more accurately with the timing of my symptoms and they are not as severe when I am not on hormonal birth control- unfortunately I am on BC so the symptoms are progressively getting worse with each cycle- I even experience stages similar to Bi Polar- I have the climb up after my cycle ends to a point where "the highs" become so intense it all becomes muddled and I know the lows are soon to come - I even see it as it is happening, I just can't stop it. I am angry that it happens. I do not take meds nor do I have any intention to- they are poison that permanently alter brain chemistry and make you have to have them forever- not to mention I had a very bad experience with them as a teen and refuse to go through that ever again- but it looks like it is time to search for the natural mood enhancers- just wish i could take St. Johns Wort ( sadly it is not compatible with the pill).
I am overwhelmed with financial issues- do I go back to the 9-5 work force and yet again have someone else raise my children only to spend my whole check on that raising- do I stick with the work from home, running my own business though it is not very profitable at this point- Something has to give, it seems like every time we get something paid off or taken care of another larger cost arises. The financial issues alone are eating me up inside- my account has taken hits when bills go out but money hasn't made it in yet- I am at my wits end- medical bills seem to be the things that pop up most often- that and a house payment that though it is a fixed rate seems to increase every year or so.
I know my husband is doing all he can and so am I, but it is just not enough- and the last time I applied for help as we had no money for food after all bills were paid, we were told we made $200.00 to much per month to be eligible- well to hell with them then- thankfully family stepped up to help with diaper costs and groceries-
I did start a garden to help cut costs on some of our groceries- sadly a banana tree won't grow in this climate without a large green house haha

Wow..this time I want a real wedding ..

So my first marriage occurred when I was 22 years old, at the time I thought wow this is it, he is the one I am spending the rest of my life with..this is so awesome. Then the day of the wedding I found myself trying to run out the back door of the community building we were getting married in. Looking back now I realize that was my instinct because he wasn't the one I was to be with forever, he was just a means to an end. ( my beautiful baby boy being the end)

We dated and lived together for 2 yrs, then one day as we are bouncing through a pasture ( he worked on his uncle's ranch at the time) he looks over at me and with a look of someone with a broken spirit says " well, I guess set a date..."....Yep that was my proposal...yet another of hundreds of signs this probably wasn't meant to be...I gave us three months to have everything done and ready.

After 6 years ( and one child who was 9 months old when his daddy left) he decided he wanted a divorce...I was in shock, I knew we had had more bad times than good, but hey what happened to making lemonade from the lemons life gives you...

Well, my son is now two, his dad was remarried 6 months after our divorce was finalized..hmmmm....and I began my adventure in single motherhood.

I dated a bit, had a rebound engagement ( I bought the dress , had the flowers done and got stuck paying off my own engagement ring when the beau disappeared)...

Decided to avoid relationships for a bit..stopped looking for Mr. Right and just enjoyed making new friends and spending lots of time with my son.

Then came Mr. Right...my first clue he was it, he didn't immediately try to get in my panties!

We took time getting to know each other, he took me out on dates and never expected the evening to end in the bedroom...wow I thought guys like that only existed in fairy tales!

We dated for almost two months before going exclusive, and he proposed on June 19th..we had family and friends for a lunch date at a restaurant... I was visiting with his Step mom and he asked me if he could have my attention for a few minutes...

He took my hands in his and told me that before my son and I came into his life he didn't even realize he was missing so much and now all he wants is to be with us and then he asked me to be his wife...it was so amazing and so different from my first proposal...

Well as I said before I had only given myself three months to prepare for my first wedding and ended up only have a about 15 guests ( and all but two were family) ... I want a real wedding this time and have a year to plan...I already have the dress ( call it tacky if you want, but those darn things aren't cheap!) and the flowers are done as well ( we both love blue and green , and those were the colors I had chosen for the wedding that didn't happen) so it worked out.

I know we are going to have the big event in my huge backyard, with the reception to follow ( we have a very tight budget and I have a beautiful back yard ) ...

We want a secular ceremony and a small dance with food after , this won't be a totally traditional wedding but it is going to be a bit larger than my first.

I need ideas for decorations that can withstand the panhandle winds, while looking fabulous, but still fit a tight budget.

I am also a person who over prepares...I want to have tables ready on the sides for the reception, a cover over the seating area ( in case we get an evening thunderstorm starting) ...I am just not sure where to start looking for these things , as my first wedding was in a community center and my mom ( bless her) got everything ready and together. I don't want to burden her a 2nd time....any how for anyone who lives in the amarillo area if you know of some budget friendly rental places for canopies and such let me know.